Many people in our lives, whether they are clients or friends, often share their anxieties and feelings of inadequacy with a common refrain:
"I feel like I don't measure up."
We tend to ruthlessly compare ourselves to others, scrutinizing their possessions, qualities, appearances, and even what we assume they're feeling.
I've heard countless times how someone else seems to have it all. They go to the gym regularly, run their own startup, travel frequently, maintain a demanding job, enjoy a bustling social life, have recently married and have a child or two on the way. Then there's the inevitable self-critique:
"What am I doing with my life? Where's my startup? Why am I not out partying like Joe, Susan, Dave, or Emily? Why haven't I achieved as much as they have?" But let's not dwell on that because now we're late for another round of comparisons – this time it's James and Denise, who have achieved impressive titles like CFO, Director, Senior Director, VP, CEO or Partner, Co-founder, or what ever else you fancy, at the age of 33! And where are you in your career? Do you even know which direction you want to take in your professional life? When are you planning to pursue that Master's degree or MBA you've been contemplating? Why aren't you a Senior Partner by now? What are you doing?
And finally, there's the list of friends who have recently bought their own houses or are in the process of doing so, saved £350k, and seemingly have it all – an active social life and a loving partner. I'm well aware that listing these is truly listing fears and it may not make you feel better right now. Even though we know this might be an exaggeration, it doesn't feel too far from reality.
The truth is, there are indeed people like the Susans and Davids who appear to have it all. But...
I've had the privilege of working with many ambitious, accomplished clients who possess houses, partners, and successful careers. Surprisingly, our conversations often revolve around their desires to spend more time painting, traveling, or being with their families. Others that seem to have it all talk about "confidence issues" or "the need to be assertive". Third share their constant battle with "the impostor syndrom"; "feeling pressured"; "feeling lonely"; "not being sure what they want anymore"; "not wanting children but..."
All of those individuals grapple with the priorities in life – family or adventure? Assertive or accomodative? An expert or an all-rounder? Bad-ass or empath? and so on... Many have material stability but struggle with sleep, have doubts about their relationships, and the toll of maintaining it all is often physically visible. Those are remarkable individuals who have achieved a lot AND have also paid a price for it. What's more important to understand is that often the price they paid was not known in advance and appeared to be non negotiable at a later stage. In other words, people chased something without always being aware what is it that they would have to sacrifice for having it.
No one truly has a "perfect life" or is perfect themselves, because if we were - there would be nothing to work on, nothing to improve, no room for growth.
If we accept that fact, the essential question to ask ourselves is this: Am I living my life in alignment with my deepest values?
Nothing else matters. Everything comes at a cost. The grass may appear greener on the other side, but that's often an illusion.
Some people thrive on stretching themselves and pursuing multiple interests simultaneously. It's part of their journey, but it comes with its own costs – strained relationships, physical exhaustion, financial burdens, and more. Others choose to have weekends off, enjoy leisurely movies with their loved ones, and savor the simple pleasures. They also pay a price – unfulfilled potential, financial constraints, and a narrower range of life experiences could be some of them. And the best kind choose to have it all and combine the two, right? They pay their price too - not being fully dedicated in anything they do or feeling like they are missing opportunities on either spectrum...
Which lifestyle is the "correct" one?
Is one an "achiever," and the other "mediocre," or is the first one "superficial and overcompensating," while the second is "content, connected to deeper meaning, and enjoying the little things"?
Some argue that comparison and competition are healthy as they push us to grow and achieve. Agreed if we add a simple, yet powerful condition – compare like for like!
I believe most people engage in the second type of comparison, judging themselves based on a narrow skill or trait and assuming it defines the whole person. They then measure themselves against this limited perspective and berate themselves for not measuring up.
Embrace the freedom of living your own life (not in a cliche way).
Shed as many fears as possible about what others think of you, keep improving and working, keep fighting and explore what happens when someone doesn't like you. You're not everyone's cup of tea anyway. Determine your own boundaries and the price you are ready to pay for the type of life-choices you make. Comparisons can only be used to support your growth, never to tear you down.
Love & Respect
the ILC Team