“It was one of those mornings where everything felt heavy or perhaps pointless…maybe both. The kind of day where just getting out of bed felt like a battle already lost. I sat up, staring out the window, wondering how I had ended up feeling so defeated and physically tired. Life had become a somewhat endless list of problems to solve and tasks to take care of, but no matter how hard I worked and fought, I couldn’t see an ending… a way out. I was exhausted from trying. I felt alone, as if I was the only one shouldering these burdens, while everyone else around me seemed to be moving forward effortlessly.”
In fact, scientists, popular psychologists, and the common man all agree that it gets tiring to be resilient, to “hold on a little longer”, to keep going a bit further”… and when you are in that rut state it’s truly hard to shift to another gear and get out of it without an external push or help.
Some describe the feeling that goes with it as a “lack of motivation”. Others refer to it as “lethargy”, “pointlessness” or “feeling numb”, but despite the different names, one thing is certain – most of us are familiar with it.
In 2022 “I’m Tired of Being Resilient”, a scientific paper written by Jacquelyn Flaskerund, acknowledged how complex the concept of “resilience” is and how many facets it has depending on the context where it must be exercised – family, work, society, culture. The author steps on a definition of resilience that goes like this
“Resilience is the process of effectively negotiating, adapting to, or managing significant sources of stress or trauma.”
(pg. 693)
The starting scenario is not a description of one particular person's life, but an amalgamation of the stories I’ve heard hundreds of times in sessions. Men, women, successful, hard-working, having it all together, various ages, numerous professions, and different backgrounds – none of it shiels them from a state of “being tired of trying” or in other words, not having enough resources to “bounce back” and keep it up as they wish.
“Stop the World from spinning, I want to get off”.
This repetitive, common, and widely spread theme in life is perhaps a bit surprisingly TOUGH TO TALK ABOUT!
WHY?
Observation-based guess is that:
1/ It’s hard to explain to others the root cause of it and subsequently,
2/ It’s shameful to not be able to pinpoint a specific grand issue yet experiencing significant change in yourself and distress.
Feeling “tired of trying” seems to be the result of a perpetual unfinished business where no matter how much effort we put in; the results we deeply desire just don’t seem to come. It is often more than just a passing moment of frustration and can sink into a pervasive sense of defeat. Loneliness is a byproduct of it all.
But what can you do when you’ve lost that fire and zest to keep showing up for whatever life has thrown at you? And, more importantly, why do we even get to this point in the first place?
Drawing on insights from thinkers like Friedrich Nietzsche, Marcus Aurelius, Tony Robbins, Gabor Maté, and Brené Brown, we’ll explore both the psychological roots of this exhaustion and some practical steps to reignite the fighting spirit.
Before diving into strategies to overcome this state, it's essential to understand why we feel this way.
Some believe that it is the symptom of a subconscious self-sabotage that has grounding in personal past experiences.
In other words, there are forces in our mind that on one side push us to want something very much while on the other – push us away from it, to keep us still and safe where we are. Difficult or even traumatic experiences in our biography can fuel and feed the need to stay safe to our detriment at times.
Here are the three main "biography" reasons behind the "tiredness of trying".
It is useful to evaluate on a scale of 0 to 10 how applicable each one of them is in your own life. (where 0 is not applicable at all and 10 is – absolutely applicable in my life)
Psychological research consistently shows that prolonged effort without progress can lead to burnout and learned helplessness. A famous study by Martin Seligman in the 1960s demonstrated that dogs subjected to inescapable electric shocks eventually stopped trying to escape, even when they could. The human equivalent? When you’re working relentlessly without tangible progress, you might eventually stop trying altogether.
In modern life, this might look like months or years of striving for success in your career, only to remain stagnant; or consistently working on a relationship that feels stuck. Over time, the lack of reward erodes your motivation, leaving you drained.
Life’s challenges often don’t come in isolation. It’s common to feel like you're fighting on multiple fronts: a demanding job, a crumbling relationship, health issues, and perhaps financial stress all at once. This phenomenon is well-captured in Gabor Maté’s work, where he discusses how chronic stress can overwhelm our nervous system, making us more vulnerable to feelings of hopelessness and physical illness. When one area of life is in turmoil, the stress can bleed into others, creating a cascade of exhaustion. Ponder on whether or not you are struggling to be resilient across one or many areas of your life.
Humans are social creatures, biologically wired to seek connection. When you feel alone in your fight, it’s easy to lose hope. Brené Brown, a leading expert on vulnerability and shame, emphasizes the power of connection in healing. In her research, Brown found that people who thrive, even after failures and challenges, are those who allow themselves to be vulnerable and seek support from others. Lack of connection can be subtle but instrumental when we feel depleted of fighting spirit. For example, you might have a loving partner but you both are focused on your individual careers or children and there is no time for a genuine connection between the two of you which empties the reservoir of support we require; Another scenario might be when we have predominantly superficial connections with friends or colleagues and don’t find a place to share genuine feelings, including anger, fear, frustration, happiness, etc.
Feeling isolated compounds, the weight of your struggles, creating a sense that you must face your battles alone, which only deepens the emotional fatigue.
Friedrich Nietzsche famously wrote, "Amor fati"—the love of fate. Instead of merely enduring life’s hardships, he advocated for embracing them as essential parts of our journey. Nietzsche believed that suffering was inevitable, but how we interpret that suffering could define our strength.
Reframing your challenges as growth opportunities, rather than punishments or failures, can reignite your sense of purpose. It’s not about forcing optimism but recognizing that adversity shapes who we become.
Gratitude journals (the non-sugar-coated version where you can simultaneously be grateful and also reflect on your real feelings); Meditation and/or Praying; Guided Visualisations; Abstract thinking and expression of your thoughts (literature, poetry, music, art, etc.) can be useful active ways to reframe the situation. Also, working with a therapist or a coach of your choice is a good step to take.
Marcus Aurelius, the Stoic Roman emperor, reminds us in Meditations: "You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength." The Stoics emphasized controlling what you can and letting go of what you can’t. Often, losing the will to fight comes from focusing too much on outcomes we can’t entirely control — whether it's landing the perfect job or achieving a dream that feels increasingly out of reach.
By redirecting your energy toward the process and valuing effort over outcome, you regain a sense of agency. This shift in mindset helps reduce the feelings of helplessness that come with repeated failure.
Acknowledge in some way the process, not the outcomes you aim for. To-do lists, diary keeping, and focusing on how you develop each day can help you go back to what really matters. Write down this question and answer it at the end of every day:
What decisions and actions have I taken today that despite how I feel are pretty damn admirable?
Tony Robbins is a huge advocate for the importance of momentum. His core belief is that progress, no matter how small, fuels further action. When you feel defeated, setting large, overwhelming goals can paralyze you. Instead, focus on tiny, manageable milestones that will create a sense of accomplishment and re-energize you. Psychologically, even small wins release dopamine, the brain’s “reward chemical,” which boosts motivation and restores a sense of capability.
This is backed by research from Teresa Amabile at Harvard, who found that recognizing even small progress can significantly enhance engagement and well-being in challenging tasks.
Allow yourself to if not “celebrate” then at least notice the fact that despite how you feel you are still doing things that point in the right direction. To-do lists, diaries, progress plans, and other tiny milestone trackers are incredibly powerful.
According to Gabor Maté, the mind and body are deeply interconnected. Prolonged emotional stress depletes your mental and physical reserves, leaving you vulnerable to illness and burnout. Maté’s research emphasizes the importance of self-compassion and addressing the root causes of emotional pain, particularly trauma.
In practice, this means giving yourself permission to rest, to heal, and to acknowledge when life is too much. Ignoring your emotional health in the pursuit of relentless effort often leads to breakdowns. Instead, nurturing yourself — through mindfulness, therapy, or supportive relationships — can restore your resilience.
Block a time in your calendar for healing. 15min or 1 hr can do wonders. Allow yourself space to be with yourself in a comfortable environment. A cup of tea, warm milk with honey, and other calming alternatives can support your well-being and bring back a little spark, especially when it is intentional.
Brené Brown emphasizes the role of vulnerability in building resilience. Her work shows that when people open up about their struggles and seek connection, they’re more likely to bounce back from adversity. Feeling disconnected from others can make your struggles feel insurmountable, but reaching out, even when you feel ashamed or defeated, can be a crucial turning point.
Brown’s research found that people who embrace vulnerability — who are willing to say, “I’m struggling, I need help”— are those who cultivate the strongest sense of belonging and self-worth. When you allow yourself to be seen in your most challenging moments, you often find support that renews your strength.
The vulnerability topic is complex and we’ll not try to downplay it. However, something simple can be to stick with how you feel and develop respect and compassion for it. In practice, this can look like this: You share with a friend or a loved one that you don’t feel great about life and have lost your will to try. In turn, they say that many people struggle and you just need to be thankful that you are not in a much worse situation. Instead of saying “Yes, you are right. I need to pull myself together”, stick up for yourself and answer: “I understand that some people’s circumstances may be way worse than mine and yet it doesn’t diminish how I feel, and the importance this carries.”
Remember that your feelings are real, not made up, even if they are a subjective experience. You are allowed to have them. They shouldn’t rule our entire lives, but they are a valuable part to be recognized and taken care of well.
Losing the will to fight is a deeply human experience, especially when faced with ongoing hardship and a sense of isolation from others. But as Nietzsche, Marcus Aurelius, Tony Robbins, Gabor Maté, and Brené Brown remind us, there are ways to overcome this state. By shifting your perspective, focusing on process over results, celebrating small victories, seeking healing, and fostering vulnerability, you can reignite your fighting spirit.
Life’s challenges are inevitable, yet how we face them defines our journey, as much as this sounds like a cliché. It’s not about erasing difficulty but finding the strength to keep moving forward, one small step at a time. Looking back those small steps will compound and always produce results greater than we can imagine. Only trouble is we can connect the dots looking back and not from where we stand today. Have faith in that life offers it all and you are doing exactly what needs to be done – now and always.
• Reframe your challenges as opportunities for growth rather than setbacks.
• Focus on what you can control, especially the process rather than the outcome.
• Celebrate small wins to create momentum and restore motivation.
• Prioritize your mental and physical health, and practice self-compassion when needed.
• Connect with others, even when it feels vulnerable, to prevent isolation.
• Build a little more respect and compassion towards your own feelings and needs. They are there for a reason and valid!
Remember, even in your darkest moments, you’re not alone in your fight. By embracing the struggle and seeking the right tools, you can rebuild your resilience and reclaim your fighting spirit.
Finally, let’s include a practical, personal step towards feeling better.
Visualization exercises are powerful tools to reignite the passion for life again and help you reframe challenges. Below is a guided visualization story that combines principles from ancient wisdom and modern psychology. This exercise is designed to help you reconnect with your inner strength, visualize success, and cultivate resilience.
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Read once before you begin (8-10min)
Sit comfortably in a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, slowly inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth. Feel your body relax with each breath.
Imagine yourself in a serene and peaceful place. This can be a real location from your life or an entirely imagined one — a forest clearing, a beach at sunrise, or a mountain top with a vast view. Let the details of this place become vivid: the colors, the sounds, the smells. This is your sacred space, a place where you feel completely safe and calm.
Now, bring to mind the struggles and challenges that are currently weighing you down. Imagine them as heavy stones in a backpack you are carrying. Each stone represents a challenge—whether it’s frustration at work, a strained relationship, health concerns, or personal doubts. Feel the weight of the backpack as you carry these stones. Feel the straps pulling on your shoulders, your back bent, the sweat and discomfort when trying to walk.
As you stand in your sacred space, imagine that you are now recognising that you can gently set down the backpack. Take out each stone one by one, acknowledging the challenge it represents. Hold it in your hands, recognizing its weight and how it has affected you. Then, imagine yourself placing the stone down on the ground. Each time you do this, feel yourself becoming lighter and more grounded.
Now, visualize yourself standing tall and strong in this space. Picture a version of yourself that embodies resilience, confidence, and inner strength. This is your inner warrior. Notice how this version of yourself holds their posture—strong, upright, and calm. How do they look? What expression do they carry? Feel the powerful energy within them.
As you stand with your inner warrior, repeat the following affirmations silently or out loud:
1. "I am stronger than my challenges."
2. "I have the power to overcome setbacks."
3. "Every obstacle I face is an opportunity to grow."
4. "I am resilient, and I will rise again."
5. “The stones I carry are items I consider valuable and decided to bring along with me so far. They have had their purpose and I am ready to let go now.”
With each affirmation, feel the energy of your inner warrior strengthening you.
Now, imagine a specific challenge you are facing in your life. Picture yourself taking the necessary steps to overcome it. See yourself persisting, problem-solving, and pushing forward. Visualize the exact moment when you achieve your goal — completing a difficult project, repairing a relationship, or simply finding peace. Make this image as vivid as possible: How do you feel in this moment of success? Who is with you? What emotions are flooding through you?
Let this scene play out in detail, knowing that while the path may be challenging, you have the strength to persevere.
Slowly bring your awareness back to your breath, feeling the rise and fall of your chest. Take a few moments to linger in the feelings of strength and victory. When you're ready, open your eyes and return to the present moment, knowing that you carry the energy of your inner warrior with you.
Thank you for being with us on this journey.
We hope we gave you some ideas and support.
Kindest regards and respect for all you do.
Valentina Dolmova